do not fear…

Day 81…

There are no words to describe the most recent roller coaster of emotions we experienced the past two days!

Wednesday was the scheduled egg transfer and Bobby and I were so excited!  As we were walking into the hospital for the procedure, I received a phone call from the ART Fertility office. A call no one doing IVF wants to receive.  They informed me that my embryo development had slowed and it was actually only at 10 cells, which was about 2 days behind schedule. (I was supposed to have moved through the morula stage, aka uncountable number of cells, and be at the blastocyst stage by this point.)  I literally couldn’t breath when she told me the news. I asked the nurse what was next in the plan.  She informed me they were going to see if they embryo developed more over night and if all went well, we would postpone the transfer until Thursday.  Worse case scenario (which of course I asked) was that the embryo would not develop further and would be “discarded.”

Discarded? Are you kidding me?  We had already gotten the bad news that during last weeks retrieval they were only able to retrieve 3 eggs, 2 of which had not developed properly and had already likely been “discarded.”  And now you’re telling me this one “good” embryo I have, the only embryo I have, is now potentially a “bad egg.”

Heartbreak does not even describe what I went through yesterday.  At first I was upset. I felt hopeless and defeated. Then, overnight, my sadness turned to anger. Angry at God for letting me go along this emotional journey. Angry at myself for putting both Bobby and I through this. And angry at every pregnant woman and mother who has ever been blessed with a child.  This isn’t fair! God, I have prayed so hard for this child. I felt this was it. This was my chance at becoming a mother. Why was He taking that from me now?

Then, in an instant, my whole world changed.

At 8:00 this morning, I got one of the best phone calls I have ever received. The nurse informed me that my embryo had actually developed into a morula over night and they were going to proceed with my transfer at 10:00 am today.

Are you kidding me? Is this really happening? Am I being blessed again? Then it hit me…Michelle, it wasn’t 2 minutes ago you had let your trust and faith diminish. You had given up. Thrown in the towel. You were ready to curse God and every innocent woman that came across your path.

I was reminded how easily we tend to allow our emotions and current feelings to dictate our actions and behaviors. As a Christian, I make mistakes every day and every day I ask for his mercies. Today I did not fully trust God and his plan. This is a daily struggle and one I feel He is definitely working with me on.

I don’t know the outcome of this process, only He does. And while I may want this more than I can describe, I must learn to trust His plan (whether I agree or not) is the better plan. His way is the better way.  It’s hard to step aside and allow Him to take total control, but I have no other option but to allow Him to take the reigns.

At 10:00 this morning, after being prayed over by my amazing physician, the Dr. transferred my one embryo into my uterus while my husband and I watched.  We were given our first photos of our embryo and told to sit and wait for the next 2 weeks.

Going in for the egg transfer
First photo of Little Bit (aka Our Fighter) as a Blastocyst

While I don’t know if this embryo will “take” in my body, I do know this little embryo is a fighter.  He/she fought all odds to develop into a morula over night and into a blastocyst by the time he/she was transferred.  The doctor even admitted she was surprised he/she made it overnight.  This little embryo is already a miracle and we are so blessed to have gotten to this point.  We ask for your continued prayers through this next portion of the process. We ask that you pray for implantation and continued growth of this embryo. We ask that you pray for our continued strength and trust in the Lord.  Thank you all for your support and prayers to this point! They have been felt and this little fighter has made it this far because of your faith and prayers. We love you all!

Lord, today I realized my faith was not the size of a mustard seed. I doubted you and your abilities. I gave up and allowed myself to feel defeated. Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to this lack of trust in you and for blessing me in spite of my faults.  God, I am not perfect. I never will be. I sin daily and am not worthy of your love.  Thank you for sending your son to sacrifice his life so that I may be forgiven.  God you are amazing and when I doubt that, you are always there to remind me of my shortcomings by teaching me in loving ways.  Lord, I ask that you bless this baby.  I ask that my body adapt to this embryo and that it is able to implant safely. I thank you for loving me and loving this child.  God, I also ask that you bless each and every person who has taken time to pray for and love on my family during this process. We could not have made it to this point without their love and support. I ask all these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Today’s scripture… Isaiah 40:11

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 40.11

Posted 11/2/17

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